You can’t split yourself into equal pieces with people
Unlike a pizza, the human heart cannot be neatly sliced into identical pieces to be shared amongst a group. Relationships, by their very nature, thrive on unique personalities, experiences, and needs. Needless to say, they differ from person to person.
I never looked at relationships this way. Well, not until today.
I was on my way back home and had just left the train. I was listening to a very interesting Podcast called “The Day My Family Changed Forever” from Modern Love. A young writer told a story about balancing her relationship with her parents after their divorce and how it eventually became difficult for her to be fully present in two different lives simultaneously. Similarly, as her parents started to build new lives separately, their focus and attention shifted to new accountancies they were creating after the divorce. As she became an adult, she realized that she couldn’t be the one to blame for how she felt because, well, you can’t split yourself into equal pieces for people.
And this got me thinking…
Relationships are unequal by nature, and each relationship we cultivate requires and offers unique things. One friend may be a confidante, offering a listening ear and emotional support, while another brings laughter and adventure. In some relationships, be it romantic or others, we are bound to give or receive more attention, time, affection, or a listening ear. In some others, the connection takes other forms, such as less time and attention, but more of a grown-up connection that overpasses daily catch-ups and is tied by a bond.
In another context, but similar at the same time, you probably have experienced the scenario when your best friend fell in love and gradually started to refocus their energy towards their new love. They become more unavailable and prioritize this new feeling of love and comfort in their life. At best, you felt this was unfair to your friendship; at worst, you felt neglected and may have questioned the friendship once or twice.
I don’t have the answer to right and wrong, but I believe that unequal connections are part of human complexity.
It is nearly impossible to offer or receive the same amount of emotional support, energy, attention, time, and effort to or from different people in our lives. Think of a garden and how each plant requires a different amount of sunlight, water, and care. Treating all those plants the same way would take away each plant's individual potential. I like to believe that human connections are similar.
Although striving for a balance within relationships is critical, clinging to the idea of a perfect and equal relationship with all your connections can lead to frustration. Instead, it is important to assess the complexity of each relationship you are in, appreciate what it gives you, and try to embrace the vibrant inequality that is being shared.
Healthy relationships, even when they are unequal, are built on mutual respect and a conscious awareness of individual needs because, ultimately, you can’t split yourself into equal pieces for people, and that’s ok as long as whatever piece you are giving or receiving is an honest and caring one.
Cheers!
